I grabbed my phone while still in bed this morning to do the usual: check texts, email, the weather. It crossed my mind to see if I had any missed calls, since I've been waiting to hear from my oncologist's office the results of Monday's bone scan. Low and behold, I had a missed voice mail.
The message was from Monday - two days ago! - and was apparently left less than two hours after the completion of my scan. The chipper voice said my results were clear and to have a happy Thanksgiving.
I should have been elated, right? The news should have catapulted me out of bed in joyous exultation. But truthfully, my heart sank a little. Now I had no explanation for the bruised and burning sensations I've had in my bones for the past six months. Could it be it was wrong? I've read enough (too many, actually) entries from women with breast cancer that metastasized to the bone to know that scans can be wrong. For some, a bone scan is the creme de la creme for discovering bone mets, while for others only a PET scan detected the spread of cancer. I finally got out of bed, headed for the coffee machine, while pondering if I should push for a PET scan.
"No," I finally thought as I poured my creamer. Trust in the results and live your life until you have a concrete reason to believe differently. For me, this is easier said than done. I don't possess the fighter mentality I see in most people diagnosed with cancer who are determined to defy all odds. By contrast, I'm the one in the corner holding up the white flag claiming I'm done. And I know how sad that sounds considering I haven't had to endure half of what most women go through who are diagnosed with breast cancer. Most would trade places with me in a heartbeat. What can I say, I'm a weakling.
Now that I've admitted I'm a wuss, it's time to screw my head on straight and move forward. I have a lot on my plate: a family to care for, a magazine to produce, a book to narrate, a child's book of art to get published, a podcast to start, and a women's conference and retreat to prepare for as a guest speaker. As I consider that list, it's no wonder I'm ready to give up. The fear of doing all of that and doing it well far surpasses my fear of leaving this world. Death, by comparison, sounds a lot less taxing.
So, what am I going to do? I'm going to focus on my health which I think will help improve my mental outlook. I have 15 - 20 pounds to lose, which when I do will give me more energy. I think my mind has been in a bad spot because I've been fighting bronchitis (or something related) for nearly two months. I'm rarely sick or so tired, but that will change. I need to get back into the gym. My husband cancelled our membership because of rising monthly rates, but there are other gyms. I also need to be more consistent in my daily reading of scripture which always makes a difference in my life. Always.
Today happens to be the Presentation of the Blessed Virgin Mary in the Catholic Church. Church tradition says she was dedicated to God in the temple as an infant. Even if you don't ascribe to that belief, if you're a Christian you know Mary herself said, "Yes" to God when the angel Gabriel told her she'd bear a son in the book of Luke:
So the angel told her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. Behold, you will conceive and give birth to a son, and you shall give Him the name Jesus.…
Mary went on to say, "May your word to me be fulfilled." There was an acceptance of what what going to happen in her life that would change it dramatically. There didn't appear to be a wrestling of, "Well, this wasn't a part of the dreams I had for my life. It sounds like a huge responsibility and I'm not sure that I want that." No, she simply accepted and embraced it.
My plan is to do the same. Embrace my life and the challenges ahead (namely public speaking, which terrifies me) and look forward with anticipation instead of trepidation. Life and all that we get to do with it is such a gift. My new goal as we quickly approach a new year is to not take it for granted but instead to dedicate my days to God and to live them well. Very well.
I hope you have a blessed Thanksgiving that's full of hope and joy for the future. Not just any future, but your future.
Funny that the title "Author" appears above this description yet I have no idea what to share about myself in this space! How about my first name is Kim. My last name is Tisor. Tisor rhymes with miser, though I try not to be one.
For more information about me, please visit the author page.